Decoding WOMEN’s LANGUAGE

Keywords and their meanings

  • “Fine”: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about, but need to shut you up. NEVER use “Fine” to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
  • “Five Minutes”: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash. So it’s an even trade.
  • “Nothing”: This means something, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside-out, upside-down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.
  • “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
  • “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows): This means “I give up” or “Do what you want, because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
  • : This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at the moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over “Nothing”.
  • : Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.
  • “Oh”: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that.” Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN don’t walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows “Go Ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.
  • “That’s Okay”: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
  • “Please Do”: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for whatever it is you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful, and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.
  • “Thanks”: A woman is thanking you. Don’t faint; just say you’re welcome.
  • “Thanks A Lot”: This is much different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she’s really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some way, and will be followed by a “Loud Sigh”.

Be careful not to ask her “What’s Wrong” after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you, “Nothing”.

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings…

[Of course, these are obviously either stereotypes, or things done by many members of both sexes, but it’s still funny. LOL!]

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